Snack Justice

An Open Letter to Phileas Fogg Snacks (formerly of Medomsley Rd., Consett)


Dear Sir/ Madam

Following a quick peruse of your website, I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

As a devoted fan of your Phileas Fogg range, I was heartily disappointed when, a decade or so ago, they gradually began to disappear from the shelves of snack purveyors everywhere. Supermarkets discovered the salsa-sodden Babylon of the Doritos grab bag in all its mass-marketed glory, and suddenly your (far superior) product was deemed old-fashioned, and so it faded away. The world moved on. Phileas Fogg crumbled into memory, a memento mori of beloved snacks past.

Then, all of a sudden, everyone was in on the act. It was all Thai Chilli this, and Sea Salt and Cider Vinegar that, but poor old Phileas Fogg, once so pioneering in the chi-chi nibbles department, continued to languish in obscurity. So imagine my delight when, a while back, they started to appear again – slowly at first, and with a couple of dodgy re-launches, but at last they seemed to have returned for good. Hooray!

Except, something had happened. Something terrible. Like being unexpectedly reunited with an old flame who’s failed to moisturise and spent too much time in the sun, Phileas Fogg snacks have lost their old charm. They’re just not as good as they used to be. Well, come on, they’re not, are they?

Now, listen you people, I know that the world is a different place to when the only serious competition you had in the ‘exotic snacks’ division were Twiglets and – if you happened to grow up within the M25 – salted pretzels. Oh, simpler times. And I know you’re trying, I really do. But I mean, come on. Mexican Sweet Chilli? It hardly matches the ingenious yet simple romance of Java Crackers and Mignons Morceaux, does it? And don't even get me started on the Tortilla Chips. What have you DONE to them? It used to be so simple. Hot (white packaging) and extra, mouth-burningly, eye-wateringly hot (black packaging). And that's it. You knew where you were with that system. What on earth are you doing with all this sour cream rubbish? The old Phileas Fogg wouldn't have had any truck with that, I can tell you.

Which brings me to the old packaging. Just look at it. Go on, look. Here’s a link:

http://www.julesverne.ca/jvpfff1.html

Wasn’t it beautiful? Wasn’t it crafted with such love and care, that you just couldn’t help but reach out and buy it? They were like collector’s items! I’m sure what you have now saves a fortune on printing ink, but can you honestly say it’s as impressive? No? Thought not.

So, here’s what I think you should do. I can’t be the only one out there. Re-launch the old range. Bring back California Corn Chips, Shanghai Nuts, the lot. Definitely Tortilla Chips, made to the old recipe – don’t try and pretend it hasn’t changed – and no cheating. Would it be so rash to consider reinstating those old, time honoured versions of your (formerly) iconic tasty snacks that those of my generation so loved to steal from our parents' cupboards and gorge ourselves on until we were sick in the 1980s?

Can you honestly say that you wouldn’t swell with pride to look up at the shelves and see that old packaging again, complete with steam trains, vaguely sinister line drawings of Mexican banditos, and particularly that lovely one with the hot air balloon over Paris? We pine for Mr. Fogg’s letters to his Dearest Aunt Agatha on the back, instead of emails or text messages, or whatever it is he sends these days.

I’m not even suggesting you withdraw all your substandard modern snack foods – you can keep your Irish Cheddar and Onion Chutney if you really want – but instead run these as a sideline. A limited edition, a classic range, if you will. Embrace the healing power of nostalgia. Take a stand.

Failing all that, I don’t suppose you’ve got any old boxes lying around have you? I mean, they were sold during the Cold War, they were probably designed to survive an apocalypse.

Yours hungrily,

The Red Pants of Justice