The Joy of Hex

While trawling the dregs of late-night Saturday television yesterday, the Red Pants of Justice came across a dodgy 70s British horror film called simply 'Terror'. Just 'Terror'; no 'the,' or indeed anything much to recommend it. Whether the eponymous terror reffered to the plot (hardly), acting (possibly) or the fetish stripper with the Annie Lennox hairdo and alarmingly unruly muff (there you go!) is open to question, but what is beyond any doubt as far as I'm concerned is that this film was pants. As in bad. Very, very bad. Not in the remotest bit scary, or even well put together. Bad in a bad way.

The Red Pants of Justice swiftly condemned this film and went to bed.

However, it did get me thinking about Hammer Horror. Now, nobody's denying that Hammer was also pretty dire most of the time (oh come on, it was) but at least it usually managed to transcend the level of mere trash and achieve something altogether more satisfing: bad, yes, but bad in a good way. Like mood elevators or Pick 'n' Mix.

There were even a couple of Hammer films that were pretty good, all things considered: Countess Dracula, for instance, with it's naked blood bathing and vast array of silly hats, or the decidedly creepy Vampire Circus, resplendent with sinister carnies and Skip 'Equity minimum' Martin as a murderous dwarf. But mostly they were just camped-up fun and only occasionally unwatchable (I'm looking at you, Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires.)

So the Red Pants of Justice approves of Hammer Horror. Pants but good pants. In your face Annie Lennox.

Here is a list of Hammer Horrors to feature vampires (because let's face it, who cares about the others), together with a brief Red Pants of Justice adjudication of each:

Dracula (1957)
Christopher Lee is no match for Peter Cushing, but still beats the crap out of Gary Oldman.

Brides of Dracula (1960)
Vampire Baron + girl’s school = lunch

Kiss of the Vampire (1963)
Young couple’s car breaks down. Oh look, there’s a castle!

Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966)
The sun is out, the birds are singing, but everyone's talking about the filthy weather for some reason.

Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (1968)
Priest exorcises castle; Dracula pissed off. Priest gets excersised.

Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)
Cracking Black Mass, Gromit!

Scars of Dracula (1970)
Carry on Drac.

The Vampire Lovers (1970)
Whoops, there goes my nightdress!

Lust for a Vampire (1971)
Whoops, there goes my dignity!

Twins of Evil (1971)
Whoops, there goes my career!

Countess Dracula (1971)
Not really a vampire film per se. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t suck! (Ba-doom ching...)

Vampire Circus (1972)
“The circus! The circus! The circus! Paycheck?"

Dracula AD 1972 (1972)
Uh-oh.

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)
Bite me.

The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1974)
Please let it end.

Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)
Kill me now.